An Eggsplanation
I don’t like eggs. This isn’t earth shattering news for anyone that knows me, been that way for most of my life. Okay, I’ve been that way all of my life, but up until I was 7 years old my mom insisted on cooking scrambled eggs for dinner sometimes. It was only the smothering of those eggs in country gravy that made them edible. But the bottom line here is: I don’t like eggs.
Now, I know I’m not a lone in this. One of my best friends when I was going to college was Caroline Cooper. Coop and I did a lot of strange and fun things together; it was always an adventure. We went down to San Diego for a weekend, taking another friend of mine named Brian. The purpose of the trip doesn’t matter (something about drinking and watching motorcycles, it’s all a blur now), what does matter is the next morning. We stopped at a little diner where the house specialty was ‘Steak n Eggs’. At that point steak just sounded good. So I order up the special and when the woman asked how I wanted my eggs, I pointed at Brian and said ‘on his plate’. When it was Coop’s turn, she did the same thing. So we had our steaks and Brian forced down three helpings of eggs.
I’m not writing this to reminisce. I have a legitimate complaint. Why does every single ‘slam’ at Denny’s have eggs? There’s French Slams, Country Slams, Grand Slams, Damn I’m Hungry Slams, Is That Really Cheese Slams… You name it; they’ve slammed it. But nowhere on the menu will you find a: ‘I Don’t Like Eggs Slam’. I end up feeling like the Spam lady from Monty Python. I like bacon, sausage, ham, biscuits & gravy, grits, oatmeal, pancakes, hash browns, waffles and French toast; but they don’t offer any kind of deal that combines them. If I want a variety of taste I have to order a stack of pancakes at prices just above the average slam and then start adding side orders.
This is pretty consistent along the lines of all restaurants, including the International House of Pancakes. You would think if anyone, IHOP would come up with a breakfast special that doesn’t have eggs. But no, the non-egg eaters of the world are treated like pariahs and shunned by the restaurant industry. And let’s not forget the truly innocent victims here, the poor souls that have to sit with the non-egg eaters as they look over the menu and bitch about their choices.
So a memo to Denny’s: I appreciate the fact that I can order anyone of your 37,000,000 slams that you offer on your menu at anytime of the day or night. But do you think it’s possible that maybe you could discontinue the ‘Peanut Butter & Nanna Sandwich Slam’ and come up with something, anything that doesn’t have a freaking egg on it? Because you know what… I don’t like eggs.
I don’t like eggs. This isn’t earth shattering news for anyone that knows me, been that way for most of my life. Okay, I’ve been that way all of my life, but up until I was 7 years old my mom insisted on cooking scrambled eggs for dinner sometimes. It was only the smothering of those eggs in country gravy that made them edible. But the bottom line here is: I don’t like eggs.
Now, I know I’m not a lone in this. One of my best friends when I was going to college was Caroline Cooper. Coop and I did a lot of strange and fun things together; it was always an adventure. We went down to San Diego for a weekend, taking another friend of mine named Brian. The purpose of the trip doesn’t matter (something about drinking and watching motorcycles, it’s all a blur now), what does matter is the next morning. We stopped at a little diner where the house specialty was ‘Steak n Eggs’. At that point steak just sounded good. So I order up the special and when the woman asked how I wanted my eggs, I pointed at Brian and said ‘on his plate’. When it was Coop’s turn, she did the same thing. So we had our steaks and Brian forced down three helpings of eggs.
I’m not writing this to reminisce. I have a legitimate complaint. Why does every single ‘slam’ at Denny’s have eggs? There’s French Slams, Country Slams, Grand Slams, Damn I’m Hungry Slams, Is That Really Cheese Slams… You name it; they’ve slammed it. But nowhere on the menu will you find a: ‘I Don’t Like Eggs Slam’. I end up feeling like the Spam lady from Monty Python. I like bacon, sausage, ham, biscuits & gravy, grits, oatmeal, pancakes, hash browns, waffles and French toast; but they don’t offer any kind of deal that combines them. If I want a variety of taste I have to order a stack of pancakes at prices just above the average slam and then start adding side orders.
This is pretty consistent along the lines of all restaurants, including the International House of Pancakes. You would think if anyone, IHOP would come up with a breakfast special that doesn’t have eggs. But no, the non-egg eaters of the world are treated like pariahs and shunned by the restaurant industry. And let’s not forget the truly innocent victims here, the poor souls that have to sit with the non-egg eaters as they look over the menu and bitch about their choices.
So a memo to Denny’s: I appreciate the fact that I can order anyone of your 37,000,000 slams that you offer on your menu at anytime of the day or night. But do you think it’s possible that maybe you could discontinue the ‘Peanut Butter & Nanna Sandwich Slam’ and come up with something, anything that doesn’t have a freaking egg on it? Because you know what… I don’t like eggs.
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